I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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