when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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