Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
