Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
