i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
