Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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