Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
