Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
