I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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