OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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