she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
