Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
