Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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