Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
