worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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