My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
