The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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