I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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