my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
