It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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