I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
All I want is dick and wine.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
