I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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