I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
