matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
