I wish my penis had an off switch
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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