Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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