I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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