That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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