Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
