I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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