I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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