When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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