Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
They took my balls.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
