why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
