I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
