you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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