Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
