Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize