I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
