If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
