Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
