Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You can't just leave with hair like that
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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