ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
