just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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