well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
