Will you blow on my dice?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
