life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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