im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
even my farts smell like vagina
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
