you mean i was at the winter classic?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
