dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
