walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
