matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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