you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
