So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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