I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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