we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
