I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
