whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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