when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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