Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
