Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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