you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
