I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
