I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
