I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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